Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Use Your Ass (A Song Parody)

It's the future. Sen Hillary Rodham Clinton has won the nomination of the Democratic Party. Well, she walked away with it, let's say. But her problem is the people she has running her campaign. They're the same-old-same-old, and they will lose this election for her if she doesn't watch out. She needs to find a team that doesn't resort to the kind of campaign tricks you see from the Republicans. Otherwise, her story could end up like this.

It's set to the tune of Eminem's "Lose Yourself". (Great song, by the way.) To help you follow the song, here is a link to a YouTube video in which someone has captioned the song juxtaposed with a series of sometimes comical pictures. Much hilarity ensues. (No, seriously, it's actually pretty cool and if you're not familiar with the song - it did win an Academy Award (tm) - then this video really helps to follow it. As a suggestion, open a second browser for the video, and resize the two windows so that you can watch the video and follow the lyrics. If you don't know how to do all that, then please enjoy the lyrics and put on a CD.)

And, as usual, I have to thank Jane for her help with this.


"Lose Yourself", by Marshall Mathers. (link to a video)


Use Your Ass
Original Music and Lyrics, "Lose Yourself", by Marshall Mathers
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider

spoken
Look,
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To be president of the U.S.
One moment
Would you capture it,
Or just let it slip?

music
Yo, her plans are ready,
Themes tweaked, coffers heavy
There's paper on her sweater already, more confetti,
She's laughing, but to the staffing
She looks cool and steady
To stomp John, but she keep's on forgetting
What they wrote down, with this crowd's not allowed
She opens her mouth but the truth don't come out
She's groping, how everybody's moping now,
The craps' come out, game's up, over! PLOW!
Snap back with depravity, Oh,
There goes sanity, Oh,
There goes Hillary, stoked
She's so mad but she won't
Give up that easy, no
She won't have it, she knows
There's no facts to these quotes
It don't matter she notes
She knows that but it's broke
It's so flagrant that she knows
When she goes back to this moment
Blown that's when it's back
To the lab again, yo
This whole strategy
She better go capture this moment and hope it don't collapse on her

They're gonna use your ass 'til you lose it, this moment,
They own it, you bet they'll never let it go
They're gonna use cheap shots and plots, make a fancy show
The insincerity grows once in the limelight

They're gonna use your ass 'til you lose it, this moment,
They own it, you bet they'll never let it go
They're gonna use cheap shots and plots, make a fancy show
The insincerity grows once in the limelight

The truth's escaping, through this run that I'm shaping
This job is mine for the taking
Make me queen, as we move toward a free trade border
An honest life is boring, but Super Wal-mart's close to no honor
It's only more fodder, it only grows hotter
She knows it's all out there, the pros are all on her
Post-debate shows she's known as the Hope Stopper
Lonely roads, God only knows,
She goes farther from home, she's no plodder
She goes cold and barely knows what they taught her
But hold your nose cause here goes, she's Goldwater
Her pros don't want her no mo, she's cold product
They moved on to the old schmoe who flows
His nose glowed, he told nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner, but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da

They're gonna use your ass 'til you lose it, this moment,
They own it, you bet they'll never let it go
They're gonna use cheap shots and plots, make a fancy show
The insincerity grows once in the limelight

They're gonna use your ass 'til you lose it, this moment,
They own it, you bet they'll never let it go
They're gonna use cheap shots and plots, make a fancy show
The insincerity grows once in the limelight

No more games, I'ma change what you call strange
Tear this motherfucking staff up like two dogs caged
I was winning in the beginning but the vote all changed
I've been called out, spun up, and booed on-stage
But I kept chiming and check-writin the next cypher
Best believe Bubba's been paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my jive
And hide that I can't provide
The right type of life
Or identity, 'cause man,
These goddam new pants don't hide diapers
And it's no movie, I'm no Michelle Pfeiffer
This is my life and these times are so hard
And it's getting even harder trying to keep
And work on my speed, plus teach
A daughter caught up between seeing a father
And his prima donna baby mama drama's screaming on
And too much for me
To wanna stay in one job,
Another day of lobotomy has gotten
Me to the point, I'm on the trail I've got
To instigate a plot
Or end up in jail or shot
Winning is my only motherfucking option, losing's not
Bill, I love you, but this Senate's got
To go I cannot grow old in Chappaqua
So here I go with my shot.
Words fail me not
This maybe the only opportunity that I got

They're gonna use your ass 'til you lose it, this moment,
They own it, you bet they'll never let it go
They're gonna use cheap shots and plots, make a fancy show
The insincerity grows once in the limelight

They're gonna use your ass 'til you lose it, this moment,
They own it, you bet they'll never let it go
They're gonna use cheap shots and plots, make a fancy show
The insincerity grows once in the limelight

spoken
You can do anything you set your mind to, man

Monday, March 17, 2008

I Cross The Line (A Song Parody)

Well, we all know Rush Limbaugh can be a real slimeball sometimes. I mean, what with the lying, and the distorting, and the racism stuff. And it's not new with him. Early in his career, he went by the radio DJ name Jeff Christie. (Real "macho" name, eh?) And he was known to say controversial things, one of which I allude to in this song parody. (The link in the line is to a Snopes.com article confirming its veracity.) So, without further ado, another tribute to Rush Limbaugh, courtesy of Johnny Cash's "I Walk The Line", 1959.


I Cross The Line
Original Words and Music "I Walk The Line", by Johnny Cash, 1959
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2008

I keep a close watch on this hate of mine
I keep my mouth wide open all the time
I keep the mike on for the lie that shines
Because I'm slime, I cross the line

I find it very, very easy to fool you
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit the things I say aren't true
Because I'm slime, I cross the line

Well late one night a black man called my line
I could not tell just what was on his mind
"Take out that bone, and call me back some time"
Because I'm slime, I cross the line

They've gone a ways to keep me on their side
They gave me cause for hate that I can't hide
For them I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because I'm slime, I cross the line

I keep a close watch on this hate of mine
I keep my mouth wide open all the time
I keep the mike on for the lie that shines
Because I'm slime, I cross the line

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

P.S. This Means You (A Song Parody)

P.S. This Means You
(Original Words and Music, "P.S. I Love You",
by Paul McCartney & John Lennon, 1963
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2007)

"As I write this letter,
Send my words to you.
Remember that you have to
See impeachment through.

"Honor those oath's words you took together.
Remember them forever.
P.S. This means you.
You, You, You"

I'll be writing Hall again tomorrow
To tell him of my sorrow.
P.S. Why don't you?
You, You, You.

"As I write this letter,
Send my words to you.
Remember that you have to
See impeachment through.

"Honor those oath's words you took together.
Remember them forever.
P.S. This means you.
You, You, You.

"As I write this letter, Oh,
Send my words to you. You know I want you to
Remember that you have to, yea,
See impeachment through."

I'll be writing Hall again tomorrow
To tell him of my sorrow.
P.S. Why don't you?
You, You, You.
You, You, You.
Why don't you?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Angry White Man (A Song Parody)

We've all heard them at one time or another. The Angry White Man on the radio or TV bitching and moaning about this or that. They're never happy (unless some liberal is getting hurt somehow), and they always seem to have this hatred they feel the need to spew at some "other". Sometimes they name the object of their vitriol, and sometimes it's just a vague, nebulous group, which may or may not exist. For them, I dedicate this song parody. It doesn't have to be about any one in particular, you can pick your favorite and I'm sure it will apply. Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Michael "The Savage" Weiner (I hope you know his real last name is "Weiner"; it might explain things), Sean Hannity, whoever you want it to be. I hope you enjoy. This is to the tune of Billy Joel's "Angry Young Man". Thank you, Mr. Joel, for providing me with another great song to use. I hope you don't mind.


Angry White Man
(Original Words and Lyrics "Angry Young Man" by Billy Joel
Additional Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider, 2007)

There's a place on the air for the angry white man,
With his working class act and his immigrant ban.
He refuses to think. He refuses to see.
He always believes he's the best that can be.
And he's proud of his views and the beatings he takes.
And he whines and he cries as he lays out the stakes.
And he'll likely be known as the Angry White Man.

Give a forum or two to the angry white man,
With a beef for the world and a hate for his land.
He was called on his lies but he misunderstood.
It's a comfort to know that his critics are good.
And he sits in a room with a microphone on.
And he wishes the non-Christian people were gone.
And he'll likely be known as the Angry White Man.

I believe he's reached the stage
Of thinking he's some kind of sage.
He thinks that racial purity's a noble fight.
I still believe in causes, too,
And think I'm just as good as you.
His show goes on no matter if he's wrong or right.

And there's somehow a place for the angry white man
With his head full of crap and his fear quite at hand.
And he's never been able to see his mistakes,
So he can't understand why they call him a fake.
But his honor's in doubt and his courage as well,
And he rants and he lies and he's stupid as hell.
And he'll go to his grave as an Angry White Man

There's a place on the air for the angry white man,
With his working class act and his immigrant ban.
He refuses to think. He refuses to see.
He always believes he's the best that can be.
And he's proud of his views and the beatings he takes.
And he whines and he cries as he lays out the stakes.
And he'll likely be known as the Angry White Man.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Georgie (A Rock Opera Parody)

A friend of mine said to me one day, "You know what you should do? You should try to do a whole rock opera, like 'Tommy' or something." "Yeah, right, I doubt I could do a whole album." As it happened, some time later some ideas came to me that seem to fit "Tommy" the best. To the extent that it came out at all good, we can thank my friend "Tony" (not his real name). And if it doesn't measure up, the fault lies entirely with me, and not at all with my wife, Jane, who, as she so often does and does well, gave me some tips, advice and corrections along the way. Thank you, Honey. "Tommy", the Opera, was written by Pete Townshend except for: "Eyesight To The Blind (The Hawker)", by Sonny Boy Williamson; "Cousin Kevin" and "Fiddle About", by John Entwistle; and "Tommy's Holiday Camp", by Keith Moon. I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to send your friends a link to this blog. Thank you.


No permission was granted by any of the authors for the original songs parodied, nor did I think it possible to even get it. Those authors retain full rights to their work (mostly Pete Townshend). All new lyrics here are copyright 2007, Wayne A. Schneider.


I also have a confession to make. I skipped one of the songs. It is, arguably, the worst song on the album, and I was going nuts trying to write something to it, especially since I didn't want to have to listen to it while writing. I usually skip that track on the CD, anyway, as I'm sure many of you do. It bogs down the whole thing. That song is, of course, "Welcome." ("Come to my house, be one of the comfortable people...") But don't worry, I picked it right back up from there with the rest of the album. And if I have in any way ruined "Tommy" for any of you by writing and posting this, I do sincerely apologize, and I ask forgiveness. I was only doing it to entertain. Thank you once again.


And we don't have to take it, either. Write to your Representatives and Senators and demand that President George W. Bush be impeached and removed from office immediately. There is too much time between now and Jan '09 for him to cause more death, destruction, and devastation, and to start another war with Iran. Remember that the AUMF that allowed him to launch the first attack against Afghanistan said he could attack anyone related to the people responsible for the 9/11 attacks. Lately, he's been talking about al Qaeda in Iraq as being "the same people who attacked us on Sept 11th." They are NOT! The group in Iraq claiming allegiance to al Qaeda didn't form until 2004. Bush is trying to say that Iran is helping these people. By extension, since Iran is aiding "those who attacked us" before, he will claim he already has the authority to attack Iran. And he will not tell the Congress or the U.N. about it first. Remove him from office at once, before it's too late.


And now, without further ado, please enjoy...




GEORGIE
A Rock Opera Parody


Overture
G. H. Walker didn't play nice,
His great grandson would be just like him.
Made his money helping Hitler’s men,
Don’t expect it was legal, but then…


It’s A Boy
Nurse: It’s a boy, where’s his father? It’s a boy.
It’s a boy, where’s his father? It’s a boy.

Barbara: A son! I’ll call him George!


2001
George: Got a feeling that ’01
Is gonna be a good year.
Especially if you and me
See it through together.

Cheney: So you think that ’01
Is gonna be a good year.
Could be good for me and you,
But terrorists, no never.
I have no reason
To be over-realistic,
But somehow when you smirk
I can face it better.

George: What about the blogs?
What about the blogs?
What about the blogs?
They found it all.

Cheney: We’ll just deny it, spin and lie it.
They won’t say nothing to no one
Ever in their life. They’ll never try it and
Defy us it seems without any proof.
We’ll just deny it, spin and lie it
They’ll never try it and defy us all
They won’t print nothin’ about it,
Never tell the folks what they think is the truth

George: Got a feeling that ’01
Is gonna be a good year.
Especially if you and me
See it through together.

Cheney: Got a feeling that ’01
Is gonna be a good year.
Especially if you and me
See it through together.
I have no reason
To be over-realistic,
But somehow when you smirk
I can face it better.

(strums on guitar and...)
George: What about the blogs?


Amazing Blarney
Cheney: Act dumb and lie, boy
We have a hostile invasion plan.
Strange as it seems, your glorious dreams
Are just as bad.

Ten years hence, a war as dense
As dense can be.
Start it now and become inured
Through duplicity.

Falsehoods will surely take their minds
Where minds can't usually go.
Put on the Amazing Blarney
And say what they should know.

George: A vague sense of obedience takes over me.
All at once a bald Cheney I suddenly see.
He's dressed in a Navy Blue custom-made suit,
And his temper can blow nearly up to the roof.

Cheney: Nothing you say, and nothing I hear
Mean nothing to me.
This invasion marks my place
In our history.

Falsehoods will surely take their minds
Where minds can't usually go.
Put on the Amazing Blarney
And say what they should know.

bloggers: His lies are the lies that commit men to war
Twisted up serpentine reasons for more.
'Cause he's the decider and he will decide.
With his Amazing Blarney forever he'll lie.


The Squawker
Rupert M: You talk about your network.
I wish you could see mine.
You talk about your network.
I wish you could see mine.
Every time we start the lyin'
We bring falsehoods to your mind.

You know I had to give them money
You can tell by the way they talk.
I had to give them money
You can tell by the way they talk.
Every time we start the fakin'
The dumb begin to squawk.

We've got the power to fool, you never fear.
We've got the power to fool, you never fear.
Just a word from our lips
And the war can start next year.


Christians
Rove: Did you ever see the faces of
The Christians they get so excited.
Waking up their kids to see if
Armageddon’s finally been ignited.
They believe in Christ and say His
Teachings are a part of their philosophy.
Peeking in their door we see their
Lives are being lived in pure hypocrisy.

bloggers: And Georgie doesn’t know
What day it is.
He doesn’t know who Allah is
Or what state he's in.
How can we be saved,
From this infernal knave?

Cheney: Surrounded by our friends he sits so silently
And unconcerned with everything
Playing "Pull My Finger"
Picks his nose and farts and
Jokes about most everything.
I believe in war, but how could men
Who've never seen war help me fight it?
Only if he's lurid will our
PNAC's future outcome ever heighten.

bloggers: And Georgie doesn’t know
What day it is.
Yeah, He doesn’t know who Allah is
Or what state he's in.
How can we be saved,
From this infernal knave?

Cheney: Georgie can you hear me?
Georgie can you hear me?
Georgie can you hear me?
Georgie can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

George: See me. Hear me. Trust me. Fear me.
See me. Hear me. Trust me. Fear me.

Cheney: Georgie can you hear me?
Georgie can you hear me?
Georgie can you hear me?
Georgie can you hear me?
Georgie can you hear me?
Can you, can you, can you hear me?
bloggers: How can we be saved?

Rove: Did you ever see the faces of
The Christians they get so excited.
Waking up their kids to see if
Armageddon’s finally been ignited.
They believe in Christ and say His
Teachings are a part of their philosophy.
Peeking in their door we see their
Lives are being lived in pure hypocrisy.

bloggers: And Georgie doesn’t know
What day it is.
Yeah, He doesn’t know who Allah is
Or what state he's in.
How can we be saved,
From this infernal knave?


Cousin Karl
Rove: We’re on our own, Cheney.
All alone Cheney.
Let’s think of a game to play
On the bloggers that won’t go away.
It won't be much fun
When he starts acting dumb,
But I've no way to stop him today.
Do you think he could try not to speak?
To do that it could buy us a week.
He flies in the air, he could go anywhere,
There's a lot he could do and we'd freak.

How would you feel if we told them some crap?
Let on that Saddam had weapons he stashed?
What will we do if we're caught in our lies?
Cheney: You stand in the court and take one 'tween the eyes.

Rove: I'm a cruel bully! A classless cheat.
The nastiest Bush aide, you ever could meet.
I'll tell lies of your children,
And spread out deceit.

Rove: We’re on our own, Cheney.
All alone Cheney.
Let’s think of a game to play
On the bloggers that won’t go away.
It won't be much fun
When he starts acting dumb,
But I've no way to stop him today.
Do you think he could try not to speak?
To do that it could buy us a week.
He flies in the air, he could go anywhere,
There's a lot he could do and we'd freak.

Cheney: Maybe a terrorist plot that brought harm,
Would change their attention to one of alarm.
Rove: Drag it all out by a leak here and there,
And give them a hint that they should look elsewhere.

I'm a cruel bully! A classless cheat.
The nastiest Bush aide, you ever could meet.
I'll kick ass in your district,
And cause your defeat.


Vapid Queen
Rice: If your tale ain’t all it should be now,
This girl will spin it right.
I’ll tell them how it could be now.
Watch me start a fight.
I’m The Ditzy, the Vapid Queen.
Lie before I start.
I'm The Ditzy, the Vapid Queen.
I'll tear the truth apart.

Give me the points and close the door
Leave me for a while.
Your tale won’t be the same no more,
Spun with lots of style
I’m The Ditzy, the Vapid Queen.
Hate is in my heart.
I'm The Ditzy, the Vapid Queen.
I'll tear the truth apart.

Gather my notes and make it fast.
My mind will start to roam.
Just like a Ditzy Queen would do,
I'm gonna lie from home.

My work is done, now look at this.
I'll never be more despised.
The Truth, it shakes. They're filled with doubts!
Watch us boldly lie!
I’m The Ditzy, the Vapid Queen.
Paid to throw the dart.
I'm The Ditzy, I’m guaranteed.
To tear the truth apart.


Underture
No lyrics to this track,
But if you want to listen to it,
Please remember to come back.
The second side's just started.


Do You Think It's Alright!
George: Do you think it's alright
To send the press to Uncle Rummy?
Do you think it's alright,
He's spun a few too many tonight!
Do you think it's alright?
Cheney: If I think it's spun right.
Yes, I think it's alright.


Spin It About
Rumsfeld: I’m your wicked Uncle Rummy,
I’m glad you'll just sit and hear me
As I spin it about,
Spin it about,
Spin it about.

Dick Cheney left me here to mind you,
Now I’m saying what I want to,
Spinning about,
Spinning about,
Spin it about.

Down with the true facts,
Up with the false ones.
Spin it about.
Spin it about.
Spin it about.

You won't shout as
I spin it about.
Spin it about.
Spin it about.
Spin it about.
Spin it. Spin it. Spin it.


Tinhorn Leader
Cheney: Ever since I was in Congress
I played to rule them all.
From Casper down to DC,
I must have fooled them all.
But I ain't seen nothing like him
Since Lucifer was born,
That drunk, dumb and lyin' kid
Sure plays a mean Tinhorn!

He ran once for Congress,
Became part of the machine.
Stealing all the answers,
Never playing clean.
Thinks that "intuition"'s
A kinky kind of porn.
That drunk, dumb and lyin' kid
Sure plays a mean Tinhorn!

bloggers: He's a Tinhorn Leader
There had to be a fix.
A Tinhorn Leader
'Sgot such a subtle twitch.

Why do you think he does it?
I don't know.
Why is he no good?

Cheney: He ain't got no dissensions,
Can't hear those doubters and bells
don't see lights a-flashin'
plays by sense of smell
Always has his own way,
Never been forlorn.
That drunk, dumb and lyin' kid
Sure plays a mean Tinhorn!

bloggers: He thought he was
A bully pulpit king.
But we just handed
His Tinhorn Crown to him.

Cheney: Even at my conference table
He thinks he's the best.
His family brought him in
And he says, "Screw the rest."
He goes crazy flipping fingers.
Screw that oath he's sworn!
That drunk, dumb and lyin' kid
Sure plays a mean Tinhorn!


There's a Blogger
People: There’s a blogger I've found
Could bring us some light.
There's a blogger I've found who knows a site.
There's a blogger I've found who knows a site.

There’s a site he's found
That would bring us all sorrow,
It says to Saddam,
"You have 'til tomorrow."
He has 'til tomorrow!!!


Go To The U.N.
bloggers: He seems to be completely so deceptive.
The facts he gave us make no sense at all.
His lies reflect the world as he detects it.
He fears but will not answer to our call.

George: See me. Hear me. Trust me. Fear me.
See me. Hear me. Trust me. Fear me.

bloggers: We have no choice but use the constitution.
All hope lies with it and none with me.
Imagine though the shock from a conviction.
When he suddenly must face reality.

George: See me. Hear me. Trust me. Fear me.
See me. Hear me. Trust me. Fear me.

bloggers: We all can see the law is clear, he must speak
To the other nations, not with crock.
No mandate can give the kind of explanation
Needed to intrude into Iraq.

Go to the U.N., boy.
Go to the U.N., boy.

bloggers: I've often wondered what he is thinking.
Has he ever heard a word I've said?
Listen to the people out there screaming,
What is happening in his head?

People: Listening to you, I hear confusion.
Gazing at you, I see defeat.
Following you, I find disaster,
I need a new guy in your seat.

Right behind you, I’m wasting billions,
On you, I see no glory.
From you, I get deception.
From you, I get no story.

bloggers: What is happening in his head?
Ooooh, I wish I knew.
Don't you wish, too?


Georgie, Can You Hear Me?
People: Georgie, can you hear me?
Can you feel me fear you?
Georgie will you heed me?
Must we intercede you?


Trash The U.N.
Kofi You don't answer our calls
Annan: With even a smirk or a wink,
But you're sure of your own intention!
You don't seem to make sense,
But I think you convinced yourself
Why don't the U.N. affect you?
Can you hear me
Or do I surmise
That you fear me then you feel like telling
LIES

Tell us what you're doing
Will you trash the U.N.?
Tell us what you're doing
Will you trash the U.N.?
TRASH!

fade to black

fade back in, years later


Invasion
George: I'm overwhelmed as I approach you,
'Cause my words hold death inside.
People act illegal for me.
War's enhanced when I've told lies

People: You'll feel them coming.
Ramifications.
'Cause as far's we see it.
It's your invasion.
It's your invasion.

George: They worship me and all I say,
Hazy eyed they watch me dance.
Critics shudder, shake their heads then,
And Joe Momentum throws their stance.

People: You fear them coming.
Investigations.
And as far's we see it.
It's your invasion.
It's your invasion.

Soon we'll teach you when we'll impeach you,
It's coming.
Send your asses packing, your lies we're tracking,
It's coming.
It's coming.

George: I've left a trail of martyred people,
Pulverized by holy light.
Four years have passed, the war continues.
When we've won, I'll be proved right.


Impeachment Cure
bloggers: Breaking! Breaking! Read all about it.
People calling for an impeachment cure!
Breaking! Breaking! Read all about it!
Breaking!


Madame Speaker
bloggers: Inside the House, Speaker Nancy announced
That Georgie wouldn't face an impeaching.
She went on banging her new gavel
And we went insane screeching.
She got to her room and laughs filled the place from
Living out this fable.
She picked up a book of impeachment rules
And took it off the table.

She knew from the start deep down in her heart
That she and Georgie were worlds apart.
But her country said, "Never mind
Your part is to heed what we need.”

The theme of the mandate was "Out of Iraq"
And you must find a way.
'Cause Georgie decided to ignore the law
And go in any way.
She thought that afterwards talk was needed
And decided she'd try to reach him.
Maybe he'd see his strategy
Was why some thought, "Impeach him."

She knew from the start deep down in her heart
That she and Georgie were worlds apart.
But her country said, "Never mind
Your part is to heed what we need.”

She arrived at six and endured some frisking
And waiting her turn in line.
Guard after guard appeared in her face
And Nancy just sat there smiling.
She held her grin looking pretty as a picture
Right by the very front door.
And then a flunkee wearing a blazer with a badge
Came in and asked, "You're here for?"

The dame went crazy
And tore up half the place!
Speaker Nancy was pissed 'cause she just got dissed
And went back in a rage!

But soon the atmosphere was cooler
And Georgie gave a meeting.
Nancy just couldn't let him know she loathed him
As she was gently seething.
She sat cross-legg'd in the photo shooting
And turned him toward her face.
Georgie looked around as she re-informed him,
"This is not your place!"

She knew from the start deep down in her heart
That she and Georgie were worlds apart.
But her country said, "Never mind
Your part is to heed what we need.”

Her cheek hit a chair and blood trickled down
Mingling with her sneers.
Georgie carried on lying
And his voice filled Nancy's ear.
She caught his eye she had to try
But couldn't see through the lights.
Her face was gashed and the ambulance men
Had to carry her out that night.

The blogs went crazy,
As Georgie smacked her face!
Speaker Nancy got punched for the price of a lunch
And a gash across her face! OOoooh!

Sixteen stitches made her pissed and the Libs said,
"Don't say we didn't warn you."
Nancy got hurried to a safe position
She owned in California.
Georgie always talks about the day
The news filters all went wild.
Nancy still carries a scar on her cheek
To remind her that he's vile.

She knew from the start deep down in her heart
That she and Georgie were worlds apart.
But her country said, "Never mind
Your part is to heed what we need.”


They're Free
George: They're free. They're free.
And freedom tastes like hegemony.
They're free. They're free.
And I'm waiting for them to honor me.

When I told you what it took
To catch and kill Saddam,
You laughed and said, "Why, was he that bad?"
But you've been told many times before.
Saddam was pointed to the door.
No one had the guts to go to Bahgdad!

They're free. They're free.
And freedom tastes like hegemony.
They're free. They're free.
And I'm waiting for them to honor me.

bloggers: Why would they do that?
Why would they do that?


Georgie’s Terrorist Camp
Rumsfeld: Good morning, convicts.
I’m your Uncle Rummy and I welcome you
to “Georgie’s Terrorist Camp”.
The camp with a difference,
Never will get better.
When you come to Georgie’s.
The sentence is forever!
Ha-ha!

Welcome!


We’re Not Gonna Take It
George: Welcome to "The Camp", I know
You don’t know why you’re here.
I say you’re terrorists, and
You will stay for many years.
If you want your freedom soon,
You've got to tell us all.
Now put on these handcuffs,
Put on this orange suit,
Go stand over by the wall.

Hey you getting mail, so sorry,
I had them scanned.
Hey you marching peaceful protests,
I've got you banned.
Hey hung up, old, Mr. Lawyer,
Don't try to call my bluff.
'Cause you can't gather all of the
Evidence my friend, no,
Nowhere near enough.

People: We’re not gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it!

We’re not gonna take it!
You can go right straight to Hell.
We’re not gonna take it!
And as far as we can tell.
It’s not their religion,
That’s the reason blood is spilled.
We’re not gonna take it!
Gonna teach you, we’ll impeach you,
Let’s remove you better still!”

George: Now you can't touch me.
The proof is truly sealed
And not Rove, either.
We made a deal.
You can't touch Gonzo,
And Cheney completes the scene
Here's comes Uncle Rummy
To guide you to
Your very own latrine.

People: We’re not gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it!
We’re not gonna take it!

We’re not gonna take it!
You can go right straight to Hell.
We’re Not Gonna Take It!
And as far as we can tell.
It’s not their religion,
That’s the reason blood is spilled.
We’re Not Gonna Take It!
We’ll impeach you, Gonna teach you,
Let’s remove you better still!”
We’ll impeach you, Gonna teach you,
Let’s remove you better still!”

Bush: See me. Hear me. Trust me. Fear me.
See me. Hear me. Trust me. Fear me.

People: Listening to you, I hear confusion.
Gazing at you, I see defeat.
Following you, I find disaster,
I need a new guy in your seat.

Right behind you, I’m wasting billions,
On you, I see no glory.
From you, I get deception.
From you, I get no story.


THE END

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Casa Blanco (A Song Parody)

Though I am heart, a rock and roll man, I have enjoyed a few famous country and western songs, and one of them has been Marty Robbins’ “El Paso.” It’s a nice little melody and I’ve always liked it. So, naturally, I decided to use it in a song parody. This one is, I have to say, pure fantasy. Unlike some of my other songs which are rooted in truth, this one is admittedly unfounded. It’s based on the rumors of an affair between President George Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. And of Bush's documented inarticulation when trying to speak Spanish. (Yes, "Casa Blanca is the correct spelling, but do you think Bush would know that? Besides, I needed the "o" sound for some rhymes, so there!) I took the original ballad’s story and turned it into Bush’s frustration of being in love with two women, and not letting one of them find out. (Hint: one of them already knew about the wife.) And I have no idea in the world if George Bush ever owned a private plane. But I figured this nation's tax dollars paid for his flight training, so he might as well get some use out of it. I happily confess that it is just totally silly, but I needed to get it out of my brain. Now it will be stuck in yours. No backsies! But please enjoy.




Casa Blanco
Original Words & Music “El Paso”, by Marty Robbins
New Lyrics by Wayne A. Schneider ©2007

Out in the west Texas ranch Casa Blanco
I fell in love with an African girl.
August would find me in Crawford relaxing.
Aides would come in and Condeezza would whirl.

Blacker than night was the skin of Condeezza.
Wicked and evil, the kind I knew well.
My love was deep for this African doctor;
I was in love but in vain, I could tell.

One day a PDB memo came in
Told me bin Laden would strike.
This wasn’t good news
Or something I could use.
This was in fact something
I did not like.

So in anger I

Told him his ass was now covered so leave here.
Down went his gaze toward the shoes that he wore.
My order was answered in less than a heartbeat.
The frightened young intern was way out the door.

Just for a moment I stood there in silence.
Shocked by the bountiful news I now bore.
Many thoughts raced through my mind as I stood there;
I had but one chance and that was ignore.

Out to my back yard in Crawford I ran
Out where my Cessna was tied.
I bought a good one.
It looked like some good fun.
Up in the air
And away I did ride,

Just as fast as I

Could from the West Texas ranch Casa Blanco
Out to the bad-lands of New Mexico.

In Casa Blanco my wife would go loco.
Marriage is gone and she just might have left.
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the young doctor
My love is stronger than by fear of death

I suited up and away I did go,
Flying alone in the dark
Maybe tomorrow
She’ll finally catch me.
Tonight’s nothing worse than this
Pain in my heart.

And at last here I

Am on approach to my own Casa Blanco;
I can see Crawford down left and below.
My love is strong and it pushes me onward.
Out of the plane to Condeezza I go.

Off to my right I see five Secret Service;
Off to my left stand a dozen or more.
Shouting and yelling I can’t let them catch me.
I have to make it to my own back door.

Some thing is dreadfully wrong for I hear
A deep burning scream from my side
Though I am trying
To find my young doctor
I’m getting nervous
Unable to hide

But my love for

Condeezza is strong and I rise to the challenge,
Though I am horny and might bust a nut.
I see the white ball of fist from my wife’s hand.
I feel the right hook go deep in my gut.

From out of nowhere Condeezza has found me,
Kissing my cheek like the day she was hired.
Caught between two loving women I’ll die for,
One little kiss and Condeezza, you’re fired.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I've Just Seen a Post

Well, I've been back "full time" now for a few weeks, and some things just don't change. I've been posting a lot primarily at ThinkProgress (affectionately known to us as "TP"), and it's likely that most of you visiting this blog know me from there. I thank all of you for coming back. Now that I can do this from home, I can do it more often. Before, when I could only do this from my computer at work, I either had to stay late, come in early, or sneak in for a few minutes during the day. It wasn't quite working out, hence my ban from internet access at work.

Anywho, I've noticed that TP still has a problem with trolls. Trolls are people who jump into a topic and post false, misleading, deceptive or inflammatory remarks with the sole purpose of derailing the conversation so that we waste our time, and the site master's bandwidth. They often have no rational basis for the things they say. They know that if they jump in and say something like, "Liberals are baby-killers," they'll get a reaction. They aren't interested in discussing anything rationally. They're just trying to piss us off. Unfortuantely, they all too often succeed.

The ironic thing is that while they often accuse us of trying to suppress free speech, if you go to one of the more popular conservative websites (such as Redstate.org) and post something even the tiniest bit critical of Bush or Republicans in general, they ban you. (At least, that's what some have said.) I guess the truth hurts.

So, my experiences since I returned to the blogosphere inspired me to write another song parody. This is to the tune of The Beatles' "I've Just Seen a Face". (Original words and music by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.) I wanted to have it finished by yesterday, but I couldn't quite get it done. Consider it a belated birthday present to Sir (James) Paul McCartney, whose birthday was the 18th. I hope you enjoy it. As usual, thank you Jane for your help and advice.

I've Just Seen a Post
by Wayne A. Schneider

I’ve just seen a post I can’t resist
What he did boast and I insist
He check his facts for me,
And I want all the world to see
He lied.
Lie-lie-lie-la-la-lied.

Had he not been so absurd
I might have let him have his word.
But I have never been so mad,
I never saw a post as bad
As this.
Dum-dum-dum-duh-duh-dumb

Trolling, yes he is trolling
And he keeps rolling
Them out again

I just sit and moan
When I see shit like this I’ve known
To be untrue, but still it gets to me,
And everyone can plainly see
He lies
Lie-lie-lie-la-la-lie

Trolling, yes he is trolling
And he keeps rolling
Them out again

Trolling, yes he is trolling
And he keeps rolling
Them out again

I’ve just seen a post I can’t resist
What he did boast and I insist
He check his facts for me,
And I want all the world to see
He lied.
mmm-mmm-mmm-la-la-lie

Trolling, yes he is trolling
And he keeps rolling
Them out again

Trolling, yes he is trolling
And he keeps rolling
Them out again

Oh, Trolling, yes he is trolling
And he keeps rolling
Them out again

Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Craving

There has been much speculation about why the President really chose to invade Iraq. Some say it was to stabilize the region so our access to oil would be secure. Some say it was because Saddam had tried to assassinate the president’s father years before. (Then-President Clinton had already punished Saddam for that one, but that’s another story.) I am of the belief that this was just one part of an ambitious effort by President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney to expand the powers of the Office of the President of the United States of America to a height even Richard M. Nixon would have secretly envied. They are invoking a theory called the “Unitary Executive” which, in essence, says that the Executive Branch of our government has just as much say as to how the laws and the Constitution should be interpreted as the other two branches. (And I don’t mind telling you that it wasn’t easy to work the phrase “Unitary Executive” into a poem structured like this.) This theory has not been widely accepted by constitutional scholars. That little detail, however, has not stopped them. With sincere apologies to Edgar Allan Poe and fans of his great poem “The Raven”, I would like to present my version of the president’s quest for power with a poem I call “The Craving.” And my most deepest thanks to my wife, Jane, for her invaluable assistance in writing this. I hope you enjoy it. And if by some strange fluke of reality, you happen to be reading this Mr. President, take the hint.






The Craving
By Wayne A. Schneider


Act I: Extremists

Once upon a Tuesday Morning, after I ignored a warning
Over many there came a furious full plume of fiery gore.
Later seated simply staring, suddenly someone was sharing
That the enemy was bearing, bearing toward my White House door.
"It's those terrorists," I muttered "bearing toward my White House door."
It was one, and there were four.

The other planes had landed where the terrorists had planned it,
Bringing death and devastation on a scale unseen before.
But the passengers still flying on Flight 93 were trying
To prevent more people dying once they learned what was in store.
They sacrificed their souls to save us suffering so much more.
Bless them all forever more.

As I stood atop the rubble of the fallen Towers Double,
I surmised I was obliged to tell the people what’s in store.
I said something like, “I hear you, and the world will all be near you,
And the people that should fear you will hear all of us and more.”
We would ‘loose the fateful lightning of our terrible swift sword.’
They’ll regret their jihad war.

Though the perpetrators perished with the parents children cherished,
Some surviving sons and spouses said they solely sought succor.
"Though we know this sounds alarming, in our name do not be harming.
And we beg you don't be arming, arming us to go to war.
Peace is better; don't be arming, arming us to go to war.
Please choose peace, we do implore.”

Presently my will grew stronger and debating then no longer,
I said, "Sir, or madam, surely you can see the savage score.
There are people who will kill us, lacking that with terror fill us,
As they do their best to will us, will us to allow them more.
Answer back with force,” I say, “or they will just do more.
We must stop their jihad war.”

With the Nine-Eleven terror we said, “Never let our error
Be because we act behind the fact and fail to act before.
If the facts are indicating that the terrorists are waiting
There should be no hesitating and just let them hit us more.
We have to strike them first or else we’ll surely suffer more.
We must use pre-emptive war.

“When a terror group can prosper ‘cause a nation wants to sponsor
Those who use this evil tactic as a weapon in their store,
It is time to stop debating and I’ll end by simply stating,
We must stop the ones whose hating has killed thousands in their war.
We will make the world decide which side they want to win the war.
Us or them, it’s either or.


Act II: Experiment

Ah, distinctly I remember in the previous December
When the highest court decided for us and we beat Al Gore.
We embarked upon a mission to fulfill a former vision
That each president’s decision would have power at its core.
We would raise the power of the office never like before.
What would help? An endless war.

A war was just one option as we worked toward an adoption
Of a controversial principle that raises power more.
Since the branches are co-equal then the president’s own people
Have the right to say what legally the laws are really for.
The Unitary Executive could say what laws are for.
That’s my craving at its core.

Now, Dick Cheney signed a letter years before to say, “It’s better
To invade Iraq and then take back the oil we had before.”
So we hired other signers (‘cause we knew they were hard-liners)
And they’d mollify the whiners who object to fighting war.
We can’t have people with us who object to fighting war.
Their support is what they’re for.

Once in office we were waiting for a chance at instigating
The ambitious plans to take the lands we conquered once before.
The reports we had denied us any reason to abide us
Even though Saddam had tried us, tried us to our very core.
With his petty acts he tried us, tried us to our very core.
But it wasn’t cause for war.

Every bill that I’ll be signing has a statement that’s defining
When the C-in-C can safely be allowed to just ignore
Any part that is impeding on his military leading
Which I’ll never be conceding, conceding during a war.
The C-in-C will never be conceding during a war.
Pointless here to argue more.

In a war that never ended, civil rights could be suspended.
We would simply say this is the way to keep from losing more.
And we won’t allow a trial where there might be a denial
Of our presidential style and my craving at its core.
I can’t allow a challenge to my craving at its core.
Especially in time of war.

But the thing we most desire is a law that won’t expire
Letting cops go peek around without a warrant writ before.
If they find something forbidden, in the open, even hidden,
Then we just go get permission to come back and look for more.
The perfect way to peek in first and then go back for more.
Say “Goodbye, Amendment Four.”


Act III: Execution

With the Congress now behind me, ideology to blind me,
I will execute this office like it’s never been before.
Richard Nixon tried to do it but the Congress said he blew it
And before he ever knew it they said, “Please go out the door.
For the goodness of the nation will you please go out the door?
And return here never more.”

The way that we designed it, when I got the bill and signed it,
I had presidential powers never held by one before.
I now had the authority to say which nations ought to be
Attacked because they sought to be supporting jihad war.
It’s all the same to us if you’re supporting jihad war.
It’s not something we’ll ignore.

In the meantime with al Qaeda, we would soon need to invade a
Nation known to harbor terrorists who did this on our shore.
So we’ll make no separations between terrorists and nations
That conceal their true locations and the bloody hands they wore.
Think twice before protecting those who showed the blood they wore.
This could be an endless war.

Now al Qaeda has no station or particular location
Where planning for the previous plots had taken place before.
So we tried to pick a nation with a terrorist vocation
And we can’t help it’s adjacent to a place that we abhor.
Coincidental that it’s near a place that we abhor.
As for troops? We’ll need some more.

And my other wish was granted with a bill that has supplanted
All the guarantees from searches that you once had held before.
With the signing of a letter there’s no warrant that will fetter
Our attempts to watch you better while the nation is at war.
It must be done in secret while the nation is at war.
Otherwise, dissent can soar.

While my God I was beseeching He told me I should be reaching
For democracies no mortal ever dared to dream before.
And if conflict keeps on growing through the Middle East, I’m going
To tell everyone I’m knowing how the peace I could restore.
The Lord has told me where it is the peace I should restore.
Not just that but so much more.

He also said Saddam Hussein could no more be allowed to reign,
To brutalize his people and give terrorists succor.
With the powers I’ve been given, and the terrorists now driven
To the mountains where they’re livin’, we could settle an old score.
Revenge against the guy who tried to kill my dad before.
I do want to have that war.


Act IV: Excess

“Though we know it may sound shocking we believe Saddam is stocking
Up his mass destruction weapons to increase his standing more.
His tyranny is sickly and we know that he’s in thickly
With the terrorists and quickly he could help them to restore
The threat they pose to people with the weapons in their store.
Time to use pre-emptive war.”

The deceitful presentation of our word-inferred conflation
Was designed to make the mind think true things once untrue before.
Though it’s true we never said it, you could swear you must have read it
That we wanted to give credit to Iraq for starting war.
We hoped you would give credit to Iraq for starting war.
You believed it, and got more.

And we also said that nation had a terrorist relation
Based upon a grainy photo never thought worth much before.
It’s the proof that you were seeking, ‘cause we had some cameras peaking
And they caught these two guys speaking, speaking of their plans for war.
We can find no other reason for their speaking but for war.
If you doubt us, we have more.

In the secrets from a stranger there was “proof” that there was danger
That Saddam was trying to perfect a nuke or even more.
And while danger there is sowing, every day it’s always growing,
Once the mushroom cloud is showing, it’s too late to call for war.
We cannot wait for mushroom clouds before we call for war.
Let’s pre-empt it long before.

In pre-war investigation when they asked about duration
We said, “Six days, six weeks, maybe six months, doubtful it’d be more.
They’ll greet us all with candy ‘cause they’ll think it’s really dandy
That Americans are handy and will decency restore.
To humiliated people we will decency restore.
They won’t suffer like before.”

We also helped to publish lots of stuff and made-up rubbish
Saying how Saddam was so aplomb about the arms he bore.
We were secretly revealing to reporters thought appealing
Who would write that we were feeling that we had a cause for war.
The evidence we showed them said we had a cause for war.
Didn’t tell them there was more.

It was obvious our planning was inadequate at spanning
All the myriad of problems we had chosen to ignore.
We believed it would be easy to just move in light and breezy
And to march the very sleazy tyrant out his palace door.
Democracy would take his place once he was out the door.
Peace would reign forever more.


Act V: Exeunt

Years have passed since the invasion and it’s true the situation
Is more dangerous in Baghdad than it’s ever been before.
With internal strife there brewing, we have had some people chewing
Over ways to be undoing what we wrought upon their floor.
We’re not at fault for all the death that’s wrought upon their floor.
A lot of it is civil war.

And the losses our troops suffer has been getting ever tougher.
We have lost about as many as we did five years before
When the terrorists attacked us and the whole world then had backed us
As our thirst for vengeance racked us as we claimed the right for war.
The world was all behind us as we claimed the right for war.
This I squandered and much more.

Victory has now bereft me and the neo-cons have left me
To achieve what I believe the Lord had tasked me to before.
With support for me now waning and the people all complaining
That our military’s straining, straining to complete its chore.
“We should re-deploy the forces if we want to win the war.”
That’s an option I abhor.

As “Decider” I’m deciding that my future will be riding
On a plan to end the carnage that they’re calling “civil war.”
If it fails it could be ending all my arrogance and tending
To dismiss the people sending me those hints to find the door.
A failure could be forcing me to leave my White House door.
And return here never more.